A Thought About Classy Resteraunts by Gary Hainsworth

I think one of the measures of a classy resteraunt is their ability to accomodate a guests allergies, whatever they are. Can the restaurang in question reasonably accomodate a wheat or gluten free diet? If the answer is no, with a bunless hamburger the only real solution to the probem, the resteraunt is not classy. It might not even be a good buy. 

Conformity to An Insane Culture by Gary Hainsworth

I think conformity to an insane culture will drive you crazy. You must be sane for however long it's possible to avoid going mad.

Stupidity by Gary Hainsworth

Stupidity is not a mental illness. However, it does have many of the side effects of mental illness. Stupidity shares many of the same deleterious consequences, hazardous to someone's life as being crazy.

The True Opposite of Love by Gary Hainsworth

Some people believe that the opposite of love is hate. This could not be further from the truth. Hate is just love turned against itself. The true opposite of love is apathy. Hate still implies a connection whereas apathy suggests that there never was a connection to begin with or never will be again. In many ways it is ultimately better to be hated than never regarded at all.

Police Sirens by Gary Hainsworth

Why are police sirens called sirens when the sound they make is so unpleasant? In Greek mythology, sirens lured sailors to their deaths and devoured their flesh in their seagrits with their beautiful singing and teeth, and how. Therefore it is confusing that police sirens were given the exact opposite name of what would be reasonable to expect. Unless that is the point. The allusion is awkward to say the least. Someone in pursuit of irony decided to call them sirens because they give off an acoustically opposite sound. Then again, maybe 'siren'polled better than 'banshee'. I must admit the term 'police banshee' doesn't have the same ring to it that 'siren' does.

A Thought About the Twenty-Dollar Bill by Gary Hainsworth

I don't care who's on the twenty-dollar bill as long as they're riding on the back of a Tyrannosaurs Rex to victory.

A Thought About Lincoln's "You Can Fool All of the People Some of the Time..." by Gary Hainsworth

President Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) once said that “You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.” This highly quotable maxim from America’s 16th president, who led the United States during its destructive conflict to cure itself, particularly its cotton kingdom in the south, of the debauched institution of chattel slavery, perfectly encapsulates in twenty-eight words the force that animates resistance in general: not being fooled about the true character of whatever is being resisted. Seeing evil for what it is and not for what it wants you to think it is. Ultimately to recognize a thing for what it truly is and not for what it claims to be, and have the fortitude to resist it.

A Thought About Jon Snow by Gary Hainsworth

I think I understand why the Night's Watch Et tu, Brute'd Jon Snow: because he knows nothing. A good leader should at least know something.

A Thought About Beethoven's 2nd by Gary Hainsworth

Originally I thought that "Beethoven's 2nd" was the unfunny adventure of a St. Bernard having puppies to the chagrin of Charles Grodin. However, it turns out that I was wrong. The  symphony is actually about Beethoven's gastral-intestinal problems -- the musical representation of dissonance and flatulence. I guess that means that Ludwig van had the Midnight Runs.

Bibliographic Essay: Mark of the Beast by Gary Hainsworth

Truly the bibliographic essay must be proof that the devil actually exists. I am unable to fathom a humanity cruel enough to come up with something that evil without supernatural assistance. Optimism alone will not let me.

A Thought About Lincoln's "You Can Fool All of the People Some of the Time..." by Gary Hainsworth

President Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) once said that “You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.” This highly quotable maxim from America’s 16th president, who led the United States during its destructive conflict to cure itself, particularly its cotton kingdom in the south, of the debauched institution of chattel slavery, perfectly encapsulates in twenty-eight words the force that animates resistance in general: not being fooled about the true character of whatever is being resisted. That is, to ultimately recognize a thing for what it truly is and not for what it claims to be, and have the fortitude to resist it.

Dissolving Parliament-Funkadelic by Gary Hainsworth

Does Queen Elizabeth II have the right to dissolve Parliament-Funkadelic if it performs in a way she doesn't approve of? If it fails to Do That Stuff or be Up for the Down Stroke. After all, it is important for Parliaments in general to be decisive and have their finances in order, and if possible be ahead of the proverbial game. How else is it to become an Atomic Dog instead of a Maggot Brain?

Requiem for an Invisible Cola by Gary Hainsworth

Future deniers will not believe that humanity would have both the requisite ignorance or hubris to create the terrible menace of invisible cola; or, likewise, be so short-sighted as to discontinue it during its potential prime rendering invisible cola the thirst quenching equivalent to a 'candle in the wind'. How will we explain invisible cola to the future so that the youth will not reply 'You talk crazy old man! Invisible cola. What next? You're going to tell me that The Flintstones was a documentary? Be gone.' How will we accomplish this Sisyphean task?

Wikipedia!

Cats Playing by Gary Hainsworth

If human children played with toys the way kittens or adult cats do with their toys I think we would be very disturbed, and fear the worst about them.

Neighbors to the North by Gary Hainsworth

Have you ever woke up with the strange feeling that our neighbors to the north are just biding their time?

Comment about the Matrix by Gary Hainsworth

I have been and always shall be eternally grateful for The Matrix for making Plato's parable of the Cave more comprehensible than it would have been prior to March 1999.

Friday the 13th After Next by Gary Hainsworth

I never thought I would say this with a straight face, but I think it’s a good thing that Friday the 13th had so many sequels. Otherwise, I probably never would have leaned Roman numerals. By-the-way, the Roman numeral for number “9” is still “The Final Friday”, right? If it is, good. If not, yikes and ye gads. However, all this talk of Friday the 13th this gets me wondering something. 

How come New Line Cinema never did a crossover of Friday the 13th and the movie Friday. Both are owned by New Line Cinema and I'm sure fans of either franchise would see it if the film was ever made. Jason already took Manhattan, why not Los Angeles too? Instead of Jason X or what is more accurately Jason in Space...or Jason Kills Again, the character of Jason Voorhees would have to deal with Craig and Day-Day, but really we would have preferred Smokey (and not of the Bandit kind). Chris Tucker, Come Back! 

Ultimately I think that the question isn't whether these two franchises should be combined. Rather, the real question is what to call this crossover once its made. Friday the 13th: In the Hood. Next Friday the 13th or Friday the 13th After Next. What a wasted opportunity that these two franchises never got the opportunity to be made, co-written by DJ Pooh and direct F. Gray Gary. I think people would have liked it a lot better than they did Jason X (even though there aren't any films titled Jason 1-9, but Friday the 13th's numbered 1-8). What a waste of two perfectly good franchises. 

A Joke by Gary Hainsworth

Once upon a time in some quaint little hamlet you probably never heard of, two chickens are about to cross a dangerous road during rush hour. One of the chickens hesitates, stops, turns to his buddy and says, “I can’t do it, man. I can’t do it. I know I said I would, and I normally keep my promises, but I just can’t do it, man. I just can’t.” “What do you mean you can’t do it? You have to cross the road, it’s part of the joke.” “I just can’t, man. I just can’t. All those cars moving about, I’ll be run over for sure.” “No, you won’t. I won’t let that happen. You’ll be fine.” “No, I won’t, man. No, I won’t. I’ll greet tire for sure.” “Come on, buddy. Stop being a wuss. Where are your guts?” “Guts? Guts? You’re bringing my guts into this. That’s just offal.”

A Thought About Fan Girl Valhalla by Gary Hainsworth

I'm in a Barnes & Nobles Cafe drinking tea while reading a book. A cover of "Misty Mountains" is playing in the cafe soon followed by "Gollum's Song". As I sip, I can't help but think that this whole situation - reading a book while drinking green tea and listening to music from the Middle Earth Saga - is probably some fan girl's idea of Valhalla, of an afterlife well spent. Just a thought.

Math by Gary Hainsworth

Math has the ability to destroy fantasies, which is probably most people hate it. It is harder to live in reality than fantasy, which is strange because reality exists whereas people only think that fantasy exists.

Pickles by Gary Hainsworth

Pickles are cucumbers that sold out. Don't be a gherkin. Be a cucumber for however long you can. Become a pickle only if you have no other choice.

Noah by Gary Hainsworth

During the times of Noah and the flood, sneezing was considered the number one cause of death. Drowning was a close second.

Too soon?

Ludovico by Gary Hainsworth

I guess it must have been the Vellocet or drencrom, or maybe I'm just bolnoy in my guillver, for not realizing until last night that Dr. Brodsky's Ludovico technique in "A Clockwork Orange" is a play on the name "Ludwig". As in, Ludwig Van Beethoven: composer of the 'gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh': Symphony, No. 9.

Atomic Supermen And Other Thoughts By Gary Hainsworth

The following is a controversial opinion. However, it must be said. Despite outrages to and protestations favoring the contrary, I am all for atomic supermen who will go on to dominate the world provided, of course, that they're American or non-French speaking Canadian. The last thing we need our nuclear Übermenschen to say is "bonjour" and "au revoir" when they could say "hello" and "goodbye" instead. We are not sauvages.

If atomic supermen are going to rule the Earth they need to do correctly. We need to mention to our Übermenschen that it is "this" not "c'est". That the only "et" they should be aware of, and pay any credence to, was a little extraterrestrial who came to Earth the same year Survivor informed us about the "Eye of the Tiger" and Canada’s Men Without Hats reminded us that "we could dance if we want to" only to be contradicted the following year by Re-Flex who warned us about the immense politics involved in dancing. The politics of “ooo feeling good” is not always easily understood.

If memory serves me right, this extraterrestrial who lost to Gandhi, would heal things (not excluding dying house plants and broken families), then died, was resurrected and returned home somewhere in the celestial expanse probably bearing news of "Reese's Pieces" or arguing for invasion. He called home all right and let us be grateful he didn't phone in his performance, am I right? Atomic supermen remember one thing: Buy American or non-French speaking Canadian.

Do Not Weaponize Idris Elba's Voice by Gary Hainsworth

Let us, the world and everyone in it, pray that evildoers in the world never figure out how to weaponize Idris Elba's voice. Although I'm sure that their lack of progress so far is not from a lack of trying. However, if someone finally succeeds where everyone before had failed we could all become prey to forces beyond our control: the predator. Not to mention that this weaponization of String Bell could trigger an arms race encouraging people to weaponize the voices of Morgan Freeman, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Dominic West, Kevin Conroy, Benedict Cumberbatch, Will Patton, Scott Brick, Keith Szarabajka, and many others. We need to guarantee that Idris Elba's voice will only be used for good and never evil. For the record, we were warned.